Alriiiighty. So it's two weeks into the new year, and I've been meaning to post since... New Year's Eve. I should have started then, when it was all still fresh in my mind- but I just was not in the mood. I was needing to vent, yes- but it was a moment of "I wish my thoughts would type themselves up" -_- bcoz I was too upset.

Sure, I vented to my sis, tho not every detail, but plenty. I really want to put everything here, but I don't want to share every detail. I don't want to bring it up back into my mind and get upset all over again. I'm just now starting to be okay with everything and get over it all. And I would rather have nice things to post about, like I use to. My old xanga makes me sad bcoz it's full of so many happy posts, and they aren't even about anything all that exciting- just simple every day stuff.

Ehhh I guess I'm going to try to get my feelings out. I always feel better after I've come to xanga lol.. I dont know where to begin really... I think thats why I've been putting off the blogging... but I'm just going to start typing what comes to my mind and it probably wont make sense bcoz it'll be just a big jumble of thoughts lol but yeah...

Okay here goes:

So many things have changed majorly since the end of last year. The biggest thing is that I'm single again. Yeppp. Honestly, I'm really okay that things are different. I'm okay with everything not going the way I thought it would go, and I'm okay with not being in a relationship anymore. Thats fine. I dont NEED to be in one. I really liked the one I was in, but hey- if it's not right, its not right. I was wrong for thinking that it was. But honestly, I had questioned it several times, before all this recent stuff happened. There was just several things that was missing that I just never said anything about. I thought... why mess up the way things are? I thought the things I was worrying about was nothing important enough to mention.

Now I don't have to but now that I think about it... I knew it wasn't going to last. I just didnt know how it was going to happen. But now I dont have to think about it anymore.

I'm really only upset that someone can be mean and immature, especially someone that not that long ago, was thought really highly of. I never saw this "immature, disrespectful" side and never thought I would. I'm glad that I saw it before things got more complex tho.

I'm okay with someone saying "this isnt working" and I respect that opinion. IF you can come to me and tell me that. What I'm NOT okay with is someone just choosing to not say anything. Like seriously, I flat out said "if you dont want to be with me, just tell me." I told him to tell me. And I waited days and days just to know one way or the other. I waited like a fool. But hey, I'm not going to just walk away and then be the one that didn't try.

But apparently, Im the only one that thinks a relationship is important, even if its about to be done with. If you can love someone enough to be with them, then you should have enough consideration to be honest with them, and not just act like an aZZhole and ignore them. Thats very, very childish.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that is okay with making their girlfriend feel like she isn't important. I want a mature relationship, with someone that is going to think I'm important enough to keep in their life and wont be too immature to TALK to me when something isnt right.

There are just things that I dont understand but I dont feel its worth putting too much thought into because that would just be a waste of my time, and I already wasted enough time... Though, I do believe in the everything happens for a reason thing. I'm just wondering... what did this relationship teach me? I think from every relationship, you learn something. Either about yourself, or about what you want and/or need, and I believe thats what I got out of it.

I really really hate being single and not having someone. I'm definitely not one of those "yay im single lets party and date a dozen boys til i find my next ex bf!" - NO! I'm a "ima just stay single until i find someone worth my attention even if it means staying single for longer than i want to" .... but honestly, I might as well be single if I'm going to be feeling like a stranger to my own bf, honestly.

I dont know if I'm even making sense lol Im happy that Im not getting upset.. Im actually feeling better the more I get out my feelings... :D

So on this topic- I just have one last thing to say:

"You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want but i know [i know] your love is a lie."

hahaha.

anyways, so I'm really grateful for a couple people that I have in my life. I'm happy that I have people that I can come to and vent to, and they'll listen and remind me that I'm strong enough to handle things. Thanks to my friends. I love you all bunches. <333

with that said, I'd like to say that this will be my last post on this xanga. I'm going to go back to my old one... so if anyone wants to keep up with me, follow me to that one :D and I promise to talk lots on it lol and theres already plenty of stuff on it for you all to look at hahaha

aiiiight. peaceeeeeeeeee.

-Kinja<3.

to think and fight off this cold and get everything together,

is tomorrow.

ahhh this time has flown by sooo fast, for reals.

I've almost got everything together, but I feel like there's still so much to do.

And I feel like something is going to be forgotten, or something is going to not go right.

Then again, I thought that back in October- and it turned out to be complete opposite.

I just realized that by the end of this year, I'll have done so many things I've never ever done. So many things I've never thought I would actually do. Especially for someone other than myself. But at the same time, it is for myself. I can't let him down, and I cant let myself down- and I would never do something on purpose to disappoint either one of us. I know that I don't feel 100% comfortable about the situation, but who would? I want to trust that he can make me feel safe in any situation. I want to trust that I can trust myself with anything. I want to allow myself to do anything for him, like I've said I would do.

And I want to have something amazingful to write here.

I've also never had so many moments where I just laid thinking "I cant believe that Im not dreaming." And now- in just a couple days, I'll get to spend so much time with him. Two weeks of being together, not having to say "see you later", being able to just wake up and say good morning and spend the whole day together, and making memories. Ahhh, I can't wait!

On the other hand, after I get back, I'll be busy trying to get some courses arranged for the spring. And trying to get some kind of aid so I can actually start the courses I sign up for, and not have another wasted year. Its been too long, waiting for things that aren't going to fall into my lap. I can not keep waitign around for something that I know isnt going to happen, and wishing does not promise anything. Wishing is just a way to take your mind off of what it is you need to be wishing for- heh.

It's a long time of going nowhere and doing nothing. I've had enough of that bullshit. I have so many things I want to do; so many things I've wanted to do since I was little. I use to have so many plans and dreams and goals and hopes and thoughts like "Im going to do this and this and its going to be so easy." and thoughts like "I dont know why everyone says life is so hard." Heh- seriously- when I was younger, I had all of this all figured out, and now I'm like wtf? Where do I even start?

And its not like its all my fault. I mean, I'm sure I could have done something differently, but in reality, there's certain things that I had no control over- like and most of it is why Im where I am today. Dont even want to get into that.

ANYWAYS

I've gotten started on my New Years Resolutions. Who else has? Does anyone have anything good? I'm going to post- tomorrow probably- all of mine. If I don't get around to doing it tomorrow, then I'll post in on the 30th or 31st- whenever I'm back home.

Ehhh, time for getting squeaky. Sooo tired so I dunno if I'll finish this tonight :( But I'll try! :)

Peaceeeeeee.

-Kinja<3.

Once upon a time, in a land nearby...

okay okay so it was a street, near a land.. nearby..

I was walking along the roadside when a vehicle slowly crept up behind me. I sensed it as it became closer and I trembled slightly, expecting the worst. Slow drivers that creep along the road scare me almost as much as speeders. At least with a speeder, you know what to expect.

SCREECH!

SKID!

CRASH!

SIREN!

MOURNING.

With slow drivers, its always an adventure. Now, most people are thrill seekers and thrive on the sense of adrenaline a scenario like this can bring about. Most people, but not me. Nope. Because I am not a "people". I am not even human.

"beep beeeep"

...went the horn of the vehicle behind me.I turned my head slowly, to see that it was a Jeep. Three humans, one a small child, one of teenage years, and the driver, assumingly the father.

It pulled up beside me, coming to a stop. I stopped too and waited, watching anxiously.

"G'day, mate." The gentleman said with a strong accent.

I nodded slightly, glancing from one human to the other.

"My girls were wondering if you wouldnt mind posing for them."

"Posing?" I thought to myself. "Silly humans and their odd language."

"For a picture." The teen-aged girl added and held up a shiny black camera. This gesture I knew. I looked to the left, then to the right, then at the father, then the two girls. I nodded again.

The girls climbed out of the Jeep and stood at either side of me, the father taking the camera and standing a good three feet away. He held it to his face, and shouted "Okay everybody. Say cheese!"

"CHEESE!"

...we all shouted, flashing big smiles.

"Cheese?!" I thought afterwards. "I'm not cheese! I'm a sheep!"

© KINJA, August 2009

**I originally wrote this on my other xanga. But I really liked it and I dont use that xanga anymore so I decided to share it here.**